I'm sorry, nobody here can help you. I can't imagine the devastation you feel and I wish there was a way we could help, but this is ultimately a hobby site for people interested in fringe science and nerdy distractions.
As much as it hurts, there's no going back. Only forward. I wish we could help you with what you're asking.
When you're up to it, you're welcome to join our community and take part in the interesting things that we talk about here. We'd love to have you
For now, though, I'm closing this thread. I don't think anything good is going to come from this, and anyone claiming they have an answer or method to unring that bell is lying to you and preying on your emotional state.
If you want to talk, feel free to reach out to me directly. I can't give you what you want, but I can listen to what you're going through and empathize. Every little bit helps.